So I finally got the out I've been looking for for the past eight months.
After two weeks of John ignoring any texts, emails, or phone calls from me, and after four weeks of no communication at all, I finally caved last Sunday and asked him if I was ever going to know what happened to make him drop me out of the blue. He never did answer that question, but at least we talked, and I even got the very first ever "I'm sorry" from him. Of course, he immediately shifted gears into the "Let's have a baby" conversation, which took down my mood a couple notches as per usual.
I texted him a few days later just to say hi and see how he was doing, since I tend to take the baby conversations as signals he actually wants to be around me. No response. No surprise.
I spent Friday night alone, since Kellie was out with friends, and I definitely shouldn't have, since those are the nights when I miss him the most. My desperation won out over my common sense and I finally asked the question I've been dying to ask for months: "Do you love me anymore?"
It took him forever to answer, but he gave me the right one in the end: "No." I told him thank you, wished him well, and said goodbye. He couldn't let it go at that, and dragged things on a little while longer, calling me rude for even asking the question, and when I told him I was tired of him treating me like shit, he said "Then go."
My last words to him were "Let me."
As awful as it is to hear that someone doesn't love you the way you want him to, I felt more relief than pain. "No" is such an awful, terrible, shattering word -- but it's still something for me to hold on to. He doesn't love me, and knowing that for certain was the only way for me to really move on. No matter how much I miss him or how lonely I get, I just have to pull out that one little word -- cry over it, wrap myself in it, whatever it takes -- and I'll know that not only did I make the right choice, but also that there's no going back to how we were and there's no use trying. I'm clenching that little word pretty hard right now, and hopefully I'll be able to let up on it soon, but it's definitely the key (and what I've been missing) to get over John.
I feel equally wrecked and whole right now, oddly enough, but I know I'm going to be okay.
"What breaks your heart? Has your heart been broken? Tell me. When has your heart been broken?"
Before I asked Martin that question -- days before, as I contemplated asking it -- I was already bored with myself, with how deeply unoriginal the question made me. Like a wicked fairy -- poof -- the question turned me into a first-name-only, hypothetical character in the pages of a self-help book. Exactly the kind of book we all disdain because it reduces to formulae our irreducible human selves, but which we at least think about buying (thus abetting the book's piranhalike devouring of the New York Times bestseller list). That time we had a terrible cold and were listlessly switching channels on the tiny television we hardly ever watch and even forget we have, we happened upon Oprah discussing such a book and found that, as much as we hated to admit it, the book rang true -- at least, some of it rang somewhat true, truer than we'd ever expected. "He doesn't talk to me," Cornelia whines and, looky there, she is not Cornelia but the universal, allegorical Whining Woman. Suddenly, Martin is from Mars, and Cornelia, God help her, is from Venus.
Love Walked In, Marisa de los Santos (my new favorite book)
I've been feeling like the universal, allegorical Whining Woman a lot lately. I don't like the person I've apparently become over the course of these last seven months. I need to get my shit together, like, yesterday.
I was working out at the Y the other night and saw Jimmy Williamson working there, teaching a little girl how to use the machines. I wish I had a chance to say hi, but I was sprinting at that point and I couldn’t find him on my way out. I miss that kid. We sat next to each other at graduation…and when my chair broke and I fell on my ass, it was little 5’3” Jimmy who helped me up while the over-six-feet giant asshole Josh Wisch, on my other side, just laughed.
In other high school related news, Rachel told me that first year Central teacher Yael “I’ll be the narrator” Sharon doesn’t remember who I am. I find that funny, since we had multiple classes together from 7th through 12th grades. I also find that not surprising.
Dolly Parton was the American Idol mentor this week and I actually really got into it. Somehow, the combination of her plastic-and-proud-of-it attitude and her genuinely sweet and funny demeanor inexplicably makes her off-the-charts awesome, and makes me wish we were friends. How weird (and random) is that? I also really liked Carly and Michael this week, despite trying my hardest to keep on hating them.
Based on the content of that last paragraph, I think I may be on drugs.
I’m going to meet Mike at karaoke tomorrow night and I’m very nervous all of a sudden. Really hoping Tina’s there to break the ice. But even if nothing happens, I’m still pretty excited that he thought I was cute and wanted to meet me. That’s pretty much exactly what I needed coming out of the John debacle (which is finally resolved, thank God, although not in the cleanest way possible…I’m cutting my losses at this point). We’ll see how it goes.
Work’s going pretty well…Lee is dropping the ball every which way and I keep picking it back up for him (and the volunteer leaders are noticing, so I have been looking awesome). The downside of this is that now I’m everybody’s go-to person, which is definitely going to make things more difficult when my workload picks back up again. Oh well…I’m sure I’ll survive.
Can’t believe tomorrow is Friday already, but I’m not complaining. I need the weekend.
"Relationships don't work the way they do on television and in the movies. Will they? Won't they? And then they finally do, and they're happy forever, gimme a break. Nine out of ten of them end because they weren't right for each other to begin with, and half of the ones who get married get divorced anyway, and I'm telling you right now, through all this stuff I have not become a cynic. I haven't. Yes, I do happen to believe that love is mainly about pushing chocolate-covered candies and, y'know, in some cultures, a chicken. You can call me a sucker, I don't care, because I do... believe in it. Bottom line: it's couples that are truly right for each other wade through the same crap as everybody else, but the big difference is they don't let it take them down. One of those two people will stand up and fight for that relationship every time. If it's right, and they're real lucky, one of them will say something."
...More like nine weeks. Yes, I'm probably the most pathetic girl in the world.
But we actually saw each other last night, and I think that was what I needed to finally be able to walk away. Even though we had a good time and everything felt natural between us, I felt no emotional connection from him at all. I had convinced myself that behind the text messages he really did care, and missed me, and would show that to me once we were together again. But that just wasn't there last night, and as I made the hour-long drive home, I realized that I was okay with it being my last time.
I can't believe I let this go on for so long. John and I definitely win the title for the longest break-up, after nearly four weeks of waffling and texting (always texting, never talking, how's that for a red flag?) and arguing and crying and making up and staying quiet and speaking up and arguing and ignoring and worrying and constantly feeling unsettled.
Yes, I should have moved on about four weeks ago. But he was so close to perfect--at least, what I thought was perfect--that I didn't want to let go. I didn't want to lose my chance because we weren't able to work things out. And for the last few weeks I've gone through each day on metaphorical tiptoe, keeping my mouth shut and desperately trying to avoid saying anything that might set him off just so we might make it last until we saw each other again, when things might get easier.
This week has been easier to deal with than the rest...we tentatively agreed to start over, but I never really believed I would even see him again, much less make a relationship work between us. So when he freaked out on me again today, I was ready for it--expecting it, even. Plus I've had someone around this past week to remind me (show me?) what a healthy relationship should look like. I got a phone call on my birthday and a text message on Valentine's Day...neither were from John, but from an old friend. And whether this friend eventually turns into a boyfriend or not, his actions this week showed me that there's no need to hold on so hard to such a mess.
I do miss John, and I'll probably miss him for a while. As I said, he was almost perfect for me, and when things were good between us, I was probably happier than I've ever been. But I'm finally ready to accept the fact that "almost" just isn't good enough, and I know I'll be thankful, when I do meet the right person, that I didn't settle for anything less than perfect.
John and I just had an epic three-day fight followed by an angry breakup. The really sad part is that this relationship, easily the best one I've ever had, didn't even last as long as the relationship I had with Brandon, easily the worst one I've ever had. Crash. And. Burn. I'm seeing a pattern forming here that I don't like at all.
Work is killing me. I didn't sleep very well this weekend...kept waking up to freak out about random projects I haven't completed yet and to just generally sink under the weight that is FENCETECH (leaving in eight days, by the way)...and gave myself a migraine yesterday that subsided into a dull headache that has not gone away. I am not prepared, I have a ridiculous amount of shit to not only complete but START, and I'm beginning to fold under the pressure. Luckily, I've got company to commiserate with...Lisa and I are helping each other get through it, but it's tough.
And on top of my life collapsing, the family is in Phoenix on vacation this week. Not only am I home alone, dealing with all this shit in an empty house that's just echoing with my misery right now, but they're in the desert while it's ten degrees below zero here. It snowed today. I had to shovel the driveway when I got home from work and as I was thinking about everything that's been coming at me lately, I was mad at pretty much the entire world as I flung snow all over the lawn.
And then the pickup truck plow came by. The guy plowed one side of the court, then swung around and did the other side. Then he drove away. Then he came back and plowed my side of the street again. Then he swung around and started clearing the lower half of my driveway. Rolled down his window, told me not to tell anybody, and we had a nice little conversation. It's quite possible (and most likely probable) that he was a very creepy plow driver who saw a young girl outside by herself and wanted to chat, but I'm going with the positive here and thinking he was just doing his good Samaritan deed for the day.
And creepy or not, in my present state, his random act of kindness almost brought me to tears.
...I really need to get my life under control. And soon.
I really don't think this weekend could have been any better.
Wednesday: made 5 pans of cornbread and hung out with ALL the Margaritas for the first time since July.
Thursday: A very relaxed turkey day at Mom's...we ate off paper plates buffet style and I loved it. Everybody cleared out by 5:30, so I then kicked off the Christmas season with Elf.
Friday: Margarita extravaganza! Lunch at Noodles because Gretchen was craving it, then off to Cantera to see Enchanted (so cute), then back to Dad's for pizza and board games all night. I miss the Margaritas like crazy and I'm so glad we got so many chances to hang out this weekend.
Saturday: Lunch at Panera with the Margaritas plus Rachel, then shopping (I bought a necklace, earrings, a new purse, scarf, and gloves). I hung out with Katie and Elizabeth during the afternoon and then headed out to accomplish my 2007 New Year's resolution. I met John at Ted's Montana Grill for dinner...we sat and talked for almost three hours...and then we walked around Barnes & Noble, talking some more, until it closed. (I never realized how perfect a bookstore is for a first date...it is incredibly conducive to conversation.) I had a really great time, and it looks like a second date is in our future!
Sunday: Bummed around all day before heading downtown again to run some errands, and I'll be heading to Mom's in a little while to have dinner with her.
All this time off has really spoiled me...I do not want to go back to the office tomorrow. But at least I'm only in for two days this week and then I'm off to Nashville to send off Nickel Creek in style! Life is good.
Check it out, I actually did something this weekend!
Lisa's birthday (happy 26th!) was on Friday, and she wanted to head to the city on Saturday to celebrate. The gang included Lisa, Mark, me, Lisa's boyfriend Chris, Lisa's friend Paul, and a few friends of Mark's from Urbana. We fought through almost two hours (!) of traffic to get downtown to Howl At The Moon (a famous dueling piano bar). And the night was an absolute blast.
I might have had too much fun (for the first time in a year and a half!) but it was totally worth it. I stopped counting my Absolut & cranberries after I had had five, and Chris kept buying me shots (my favorite was the one delivered by a half-naked construction worker...mmm). I also got hit on by a British guy (awesome), and the bartender and I got to be friends over the course of the evening. None of us cared for the college fight songs that kept on repeating, but "Bohemian Rhapsody," "Don't Stop Believin'" and of course "Piano Man" were the best moments of the evening. Nothing like a few hundred drunks singing as one. Loved it.
I took the majority of today to recover, and it's very clear to me why I don't do stuff like this very often. Looking forward to going to bed tonight.
In other news that's making me happy, I've got a three day work week this week, a two day work week next week, Nashville is next week, and I've got a couple of potential dates lined up in the near future. Life is good.
...Leslie and I left work at 1:15 to go shopping for blue blazers for Fencetech. We went to Yorktown but didn't have any luck...so then we went to the outlet mall in Aurora and ordered four blue blazers from Brooks Brothers. Yep, I spent my whole afternoon shopping (and got paid for it!).
How could I be in a bad mood after that? True, I'm now super behind on all the piles of paperwork I have to get through this week (recertifications, grading Operator Installer School exams, compiling the master OIS sponsor list, and compiling all the OIS student evaluations), but Leslie and I had a thoroughly relaxing afternoon.
The funniest part of today was the little sailor dance Leslie and I did in Von Maur while wearing blue blazers with gold buttons. I felt that a sailor hat was required with the outfits if we had to buy blazers with gold buttons. (Luckily, the ones we bought are gold-free.)
Met with Rick on Thursday...he said a promotion is coming at annual review time. Slightly different from what Lee told me. I'll take it.
Trip to central Illinois with Katie and Elizabeth today! The trip was really all about the food: lunch at Za's, apple goodies (apple donuts, caramel apples, and apple pie) at Curtis Orchard, dinner at Hayashi's. Yum. We had such a good time and it made me miss all those Margarita weekends in college.
I've booked my hotel room and bought my plane ticket for Nashville.
I finally bought my digital camera! So now I can do things like this:
"Look, I have a digital camera!"
I'm thinking all these good things cancel out the fact I worked on the stupid Operator Installer manual from 9:00pm Thursday night to 5:00pm Friday evening with several fragmented breaks between 6:30 and 8:30am. Disgusting. At least I got it into the printer by the end of the day Friday. Only two weeks until this ridiculous school is behind me.
It took Lee two full weeks (and put off our meeting yesterday for two hours) to tell me that it's too close to official performance reviews (that don't happen until January) to look at a salary adjustment for me. I am so furious with the higher-ups right now. If I had somewhere better to go, I would quit.
I slept for about twelve hours last night...I let myself take as much time as I needed because this is my first day off in twelve days. However, it wasn't the best to regulate my mood. I've been cranky and tired all day.
I'm trying to cheer myself up with the fact that I've got third row seats to the Punch Brothers New Years Eve show (although no one to go with) and that November is going to be full of fun times (Papa's ordination on the 3rd, mini family reunion that weekend, Nashville at the end of the month). I'm only slightly mollified.
On a side note, I watched Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind for the first time in years tonight, and I had forgotten how fantastic it was.
Update: I work for a bunch of self-centered, passive-aggressive jerks who are making me wait at least a week to discuss my requested salary adjustment again. The review mainly consisted of Lee telling me how I'm doing a great job and not mentioning one area where I need improvement. He also said that Rick makes the salary call, not him, and what a coincidence that Rick had left early that day! Grrr. I am antsy to sit down with Rick and say that they have given me a tremendous amount of responsibility without compensating me accordingly. I need to remember to breathe and stay calm when that time comes, because I'm just getting more and more fed up as the days pass.
We did have happy hour (that turned into happy evening) on Friday with a few choice people at Rosie's in Wheaton...Maria left at seven, Kristine left a little later, Jeremy left at about eight-thirty, and Lisa, Mark and I stayed until eleven. It was a very fun night.
I just realized that Heroes is premiering tomorrow night and I am not even close to being all the way through Season 1. I guess that means I have to hit the highlights now...I'm thinking "Company Man", ".07%", "Five Years Gone", and "How To Stop An Exploding Man". I think I'm gonna have to throw "Landslide" in there too, since it really does set up the last ep. We'll see how I'm doing on time come tomorrow night.
...It's very sad that fall premieres are making me this excited.
Left work at 5:30ish Got home at 6:15ish Ordered a pizza for dinner Picked said pizza up Read some Office recaps on TWOP Talked with my Amykin for an hour Went for a walk Downloaded KT Tunstall's new CD (and wrestled with iTunes to get it) Took my pills (I walked out of the doctor's office today with four different kinds of medicine...stupid asthma)
That is not a jam-packed evening by any means. And yet here it is, almost time for bed and then another crazy day of work, and I feel that Time somehow got the better of me tonight.
(But at least I can breathe now. Honestly, am I going to have to suffer this asthma relapse every September now? And, for the record, Prednisone still tastes like death.)
I've been somewhat manic over the past few days, but on the whole, life's going well right now.
Summer hours are over (sniff), but there are perks to full work weeks...I can take lunch every day now, and I am out the door at exactly five every day (except today, when Lee gave me the revised fall meeting function sheets at 4:57 and I had to get them to the hotel before I left).
Leslie and I went out to lunch on Tuesday and it was so nice to just relax. We were out for over an hour and really didn't talk about work all that much, which was fun. I'm so glad I have some close friends at work...I don't think I would have lasted this long without Leslie and Lisa and Mark around.
I spent all day Monday catching up on Webtime, and Lee and I are meeting next Friday for my review. Keep your fingers crossed for me.
For right now, I'm not even that worried about it...I've been pretty content at work the last few days for some strange reason, and Lee and I are getting along better than ever (I think this might be because I've started working with Jeri more and Lee's a piece of cake compared to her). I did get thrown a bit of a curve ball today when Lee put me on point for promotion and logistics of the Education Foundation's silent auction held at the tradeshow in February...the plan is to promote the auction and solicit scholarships in the next issue of the magazine, which closes next week. That means I have to get both promo pieces done ASAP, and I'm pretty sure our marketing firm is ready to kill me with all these last minute projects I throw at them all the time. I think I need to send Nancy flowers.
I have an appointment with Dad and Roseann's financial advisor next Thursday, which makes me feel all grown up. Look at me investing my money! I'm sure this woman is going to be very amused with how little I have and how little I know about the whole process.
So on the whole, everything's running smoothly and for the first time in a long time, I feel somewhat in control of my professional life. My personal life is another story, but for now I'm okay with trying to fix just one thing at a time. Baby steps.
"The Irish romance Once is one of those urban fairy tales you come out of not wanting to switch on your car radio, make small talk or do anything but shelter in its beguiling ambiance for as long as you can to avoid re-entering the real world." --LA Weekly
New favorite movie. Go see it if you can (it's been out since May, but still playing two shows a day at Cantera) and revel in its understated emotion and almost perfect storytelling.
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mela_merenwen's journal
tired
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